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watch as tim’s world spins out of control. around and around it goes. and it’s only going faster… today was the periodical “you’re not good enough” speech given to me by my parents as usual. it’s the speech that goes, you’re just a waste of money. you’re always a failure. you can’t do anything right. what the hell is wrong with you, speech. the one where.. it’s not one speaker.. but both speakers teaming up together. telling you.. it’s all your fault. why are you such an idiot. i have no trust in you speech. i’m not sure if you heard it before. but.. i get it right before each quarter in school. and of course right before every major test. just so. my self esteem can be reduced beyond zero and my mind can become unfocused. but that right now.. is just.. a vague memory to me.. it doesn’t even matter to me anymore. my mind is spinning.. and it’s just.. going toward chaos. this week has been just.. an experience for me.. i’m starting to do things i’ve never done before.. saying things i just should have never said. being someone that.. i never wanted to be. i find myself becoming friendly with those i’d consider my biggest enemies.. and the ones closest to me.. i seem to be just pushing them away. everything is going through my head at 115 mph but it’s so much.. that it’s just.. nothing.. change change… i hate the word. though i’m so good to adapting to it.. it’s time to move on!.. but.. i like how things are now.. i like.. how comfortable i am at the moment.. be yourself!.. i don’t know who i am anymore. tim’s life has just become .. confusing. do what your heart says…. i’m too scared to now.. spin spin spin.. watch me spin out of control.

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it has… begun… approximately.. 30 minutes ago.. this day has started.. the day that i feared for.. so long.. dreaded for.. ages … sigh.. i was in bliss for.. 7 years.. but it ends today… it’s hard to admit but.. this is my last day.. as a teenager.. sigh.. i’m gonna be turning twenty on sunday.. and it’s not something i’m looking forward to… the years.. just go by so fast now.. i walked into .. La Sierra today.. and.. flashbacks of.. my first day last year.. flooded my head.. and i realized.. o my gosh.. i’m still the same person i was back then. what am i doing.. i need to get my life on track… i need to.. have something proud about.. it’s seriously.. hard.. but.. i realize.. i’ve pretty much wasted my last 2 years.. and i don’t want to be saying this.. in two years again. i’m not a teen anymore.. i can’t be making the same mistakes again.. i’m determined to .. be all i can be.. i don’t want to be.. just.. tim anymore.. i want to break out of my shell and be someone… but.. then.. i see myself again.. sitting on the same chair.. stressing over the same things.. becoming the same person.. once again.. when will this.. ever end.. am i doomed to be.. in college forever. will i always live under my parents roof… no.. i swear.. from this day on.. i will be someone i can be proud of. maybe i’ll be sitting in the same chair.. maybe i’ll still stress over the same things… but i won’t be the same person.. because i know tried to change

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“… but there’s something beyond this, i know.. but i hope i can find the words to say.. never again.. no.. no never again…” this song again.. i just wrote about it.. 2 blogger posts ago.. but..before.. i just.. wrote it in .. cause i was listening to it.. but now.. it just.. understand what it means.. sometimes.. you run into people that can.. just.. reach into your body and grab at the very thing that keeps you going. your heart. and they can.. make it skip a beat.. or they can keep it from beating entirely. they can hold it and keep it warm.. or they can .. be cold and tear it apart. and it hurts.. unbelievably.. it hurts… without them knowing, they can do whatever they want with it. when they’re happy, you smile. when they’re sad, you cry. i gotta realize what i’m doing.. i gotta find out.. what’s wrong with me. i’m walking on very thin ice. there’s this analogy i told someone earlier today.. it was something like… i’m going toward a black hole.. as much as i want to pull away.. i’m gonna keep getting closer to it.. until.. it just ends up crushing me. i’m getting ready for .. a big.. let down. i’m getting closer to being crushed.. and i can already feel it.. i’m hurt. and it’ll only get worse… sigh.. what the hell am i doing? … is it time for me to.. truly listen to this song? “you’re a god, and I am not, and i just thought that you would know. you’re a god, and i’m not… and i just thought i’d let you go.”

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aspirin…. why isn’t the aspirin working?… my back.. is.. feeling.. like.. it should be inverted right now… i should sleep.. but i’m fighting it off right now. not well though.. seems to me.. i have only.. a can a butane and a match as a weapon against it.. KAYAMM.. is slowly becoming a memory again for me.. i’m trying hard to keep in touch with those dear to me. i haven’t talked to any of my philippino group.. matt and elisa.. in a while.. but.. they’re always in my heart and thoughts. the others.. not in my group.. there’s the few.. that i never hear from.. but i think i’m doing a good job of.. staying in touch with the rest. well the ones that want to keep in touch. my days have been .. without any reason. i have no reason to live.. i sit in my room, watch tv, or play on my computer. occasionally i pick up my guitar and play some tunes i remember from the philippines .. and it just puts me in a mood where i wanna do even less so.. i play my computer or.. watch tv again. my muscles are beginning to atrophy. and i’m starting to lose weight. i need to.. move. i want to play tennis. no one will play with me.. i suck anyways. life has thrown me.. into a.. stupid loop and i need to get out of it.. i seriously.. just wake up and sleep now.. sleep sounds good right about now.. i think i just ran out of butane and matches…

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“i gotta be honest.. i think you know.. i’m covered in lies.. but that’s ok…… no never again…” it’s been 2 weeks since i’ve came back from the philippines.. and all the excitement of the trip has slowly faded and… normal life is slowly creeping back. so many things learned in the philippines.. so many things i changed.. but coming back.. i just find myself becoming who i was before. “can you make it easier.. for me to understand.. how you’re holding my heart, in your trembling hand..” you know.. they say.. history repeats itself.. and it just keeps repeating for me .. you keep making mistakes until you finally get it through your head .. and learn from them. i have so much to do today. so much to figure out. but i find myself.. just staring at my computer screen wondering.. why am i staring at my computer screen… i’ve been contemplating.. running around my block for.. hours now.. i laugh.. cause.. although i do a lot less exercise than when i was in the philippines.. i find myself losing weight here.. muscle weight? maybe.. probably.. pull ups are getting even harder to do. i turned veggie.. a week ago. and i haven’t been successful because i’ve made myself not eat meat.. it’s cause i haven’t been eating anything.. my grandmother.. who has decided to clean my house today… and rummage through all my stuff.. has been trying to make me eat all day. which.. is… not appealing to me. loneliness.. the lonliness i talked to elisa about.. i really didn’t feel it.. until today. i don’t know.. with all the noise around.. i should feel like i’m in the middle of some.. constructrion yard.. but.. i feel.. alone.. yesterday was a beginning and an end for me.. i’m a new person.. i hope. no more of the same mistakes.. “i’m a full grown man.. but i’m not… afraid to cry..” life is.. ironic.. huh.. life is so simple.. yet so complicating.. i don’t know how to explain it. “yeah.. whatever makes you happy.. yeah… whatever makes it beautiful..”

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the sound of dr. dre is in the air… or maybe it’s ice cube or dmx.. like i know my rap. there are computers every where i look to the left and to the right… the familiar sound of the keyboard clicking is what i hear. am i home finally… no.. but i am almost. today cagayan, tomorrow manila, the day after the world.. i mean.. america. I’ve been praying of the day of going back to the states. and since it’s finally close. i’m more and more excited about it. what sucks though and is really getting on my nerves is that… i can’t check my juno mail. of all times for my server to go down. i wanna hear of what my fellow kayammer’s are doing.. but.. i’m stuck here.. watching my screen saying.. Connecting to Mail Server… actually i don’t even know if this blogger will work. probably somethign will be wrong with port5… i found out that my counter doesn’t work anymore. sigh. it’s alright though. the people next to me are playing counterstrike now.. so .. maybe i’ll joini and show some clan power…. i just gotta say. i’m starting to miss a lot of you guys.. and .. i’m just glad i’m going back home. “go go go” i must go

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you kill one and 10 more come.. my desk is covered with ants .. i tried to deal with it yesterday by just smashing the few that were around with quarters. i’m just gonna leave the rest here… cause i figure if i can’t handle these measly little ants how am i gonna handle the philippines. well.. this is the last time i’m gonna write in this.. for either 2 months or 2 weeks depending on how much time i haev in the end of next week. but. yeah.. i haven’t been doing much updating anyways. but i did upload a song from timmie’s chicken shack that if you knew me, you’d have heard the song before. i leave at 1 today and i still haven’t actually started packing. i have to pack, buy a present, drop the present off, see a friend and drop them off too. it’s gonna be hectic the next couple hours. we’ll see how it turns out. so tune in next month.. actually in 2 months.. same tim channel, same tim address for more boring stories of tim’s life.

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