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baseball is right around the corner..

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sigh… this is my second attempt on blogger… tonight.. i was stupid and i clicked a link on an aim profile and my blogger window changed… sigh.. anyways.. yah.. i was going to right about something.. nevermind…

i was reading andy’s xanga post today and it hit me… it almost seemed like he was talking directly to me. he talked about decisions and.. not making impulse ones and thinking hard about them.. and not avoiding them. you can’t run forever.. he says.. which is true… sigh.. i’m 21 years old.. and i’m not even close to my senior year of college like i should be.. instead.. i’ve gone to 3 different colleges. i’ve taken one year off at one point. and i haven’t taken a full load twice. and.. i keep thinking.. maybe i should take some more time off.. maybe i should work full time.. this was the impulse decision i got to right before i read andy’s post.

is God trying to tell me something?…

am i saying andy is God?

sigh.. it was an impulse decision that got me to this point in the first place.. all through my senior year of high school.. i had my mind set on going to san diego state. it’s not.. reaching high or anything, but i though it’d be good for me.. but.. the day of turning in the school i’d go to.. my friend asked me to go to long beach and be roommates with him.. so on impulse.. i tore up my san diego acceptance.. and long beach i was going.. that must’ve been the biggest life changing things i’ve done so far.. sigh.. i’m faced with that decision pretty much again.. i can’t go to pcc forever. well i guess i could, but it won’t go anywhere.. either.. way.. where am i going.. for a while.. i had my mind set on going to andrews.. finishing in comp sci and maybe even minoring in theology… but… i’ve been thinking.. michigan is a long way away.. i’ve never once lived further from LA then a regular commute. in the same.. i’ve never lived far from LA Central.. either.. and.. i dread that a lot.. at times i tell myself that if my parents were to ever move.. i’d stay and live here… but yah… change.. i don’t like it.. sigh.. i’ve gotta decide what i’m going to do.. and i gotta stop avoiding it.. sigh.. i’ve got to think about this..

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it’s very uncharacteristic of me to post twice in the same week, let alone the same night.. but to my defense, it has been.. 3 hours since i last posted.. and.. technically it was thursday night that i posted.. not friday morning as it is now.. either way.. yah.. why am i up this late at night.. you shouldn’t ask.. though i know that if joe wasn’t online right now, there would be a better chance that i’d be sleeping at the moment.. either way.. i’m up.. and have been up at this hour.. every day this week.. odd.. that i haven’t been all that tired throughout the day though.. maybe it’ll hit me over the weekend. i don’t know.. i just have.. so much running through my head right now.. and i keep putting more into it.. it’s almost.. like.. i’m trying to avoid thinking of one specific thing.. so i’m.. just jumbling it all together.. to make just.. nothing.. it’s almost the weekend.. almost time for church. and there’s someone there i need to talk to… i’m out for now

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well.. i’m posting more often now.. i think i posted more times last month than i ever did any of the previous months. the whole.. xanga thing has totally inspired me. seems like every day i’m checking andy k’s xanga post, and after i realize he hasn’t changed anything, i go to andreia’s. and she always has this way of making.. me want to pray right after i read it.. anyways.. i was gonna post earlier.. but blogger has added a pay part of the website.. and i think they deliberately said they’re servers were too full to allow non-paying blogger users to post.. so you shell.. out the hmm.. the 3 dollars a month. eh.. there’s gotta be another blogger-like server out there.. yah.. unimportant rambling..

the last couple of days have been.. i dont’ know how to explain.. it’s been a blur and it seems like i haven’t been getting anything done.. my parents have been on their prayer week at church.. so they leave at.. 5 in the morning and come back at 10 at night.. so.. i can go countless hours without any human interactions other than my delusional ones with the tv and the digital ones online. and after hour upon hour of playing spades where your stupid partner bids a 8 when you bid a 6, things start irritating you. well i do. i start getting edgy.. and i need to get out and have some fresh air. i can’t wait until december 22nd. be able to hit someone hard, legally in a game of football. does football promote violence in me, or does it keep me from bottling it up and exploding later?

i keep seeing commercials and news reports abou the snow. and people keep talking to me about mammoth and snowboarding.. and such and such.. and i’m excited. i think the vibe at the moment is that everyone is.. i don’t think i’ve ever heard more people want to go snowboarding before… wonder why that is.. i mean.. i wanna go just cause i learned how to carve.. everyone around me seems to have gotten a board for themselves.. but it’ looks like i’m gonna be just using one of those rented ones again.. though.. i haven’t asked my parents if i could go.. i’m not sure why not.. i’m sure they’d say yes.. they have the last.. 3-4 years?.. but yah.. church needs me to drive.. and.. hmm.. i’m just thinking.. if i can’t go.. then i can’t drive.. then.. 3 other people can’t go… shrug… yah.. we’ll see what happens…

lastly.. hmm.. happy birthday, mom.. i know you don’t ever look at my website.. and i never gave you the link to my website. or.. i don’t think i’d even want you to read anything i wrote here.. happy birthday to you…

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i was gonna go to sleep right now.. it’s really late.. but i was reading someone’s xanga post… xanga is amazing really. it can make anyone look like a professional webmaster. i wonder why i put so much time into this website, when i’m sure there’s hundreds of websites that have premade webpages that look hundreds of times better.. why’d i bother learning html, when i could’ve just used dreamweaver. anyways… i was reading andreia from sd’s xanga post (monday, 11-25) and she wrote something that i’ve thought of countless times. (countless for me could be 6 or more.. i get bored after i count that high) anyways.. yah.. she wondered if wanted to die by accident is a bad thing.. i grew up strictly christian. strictly sda. and i don’t know where it’s found in the bible. but somewhere.. it’s written that suicide is a bad thing. a terrible thing. one of the worst things you can do. something about how.. if you commit suicide, you didn’t believe God could get you out of the situation.. therefore.. you didn’t really believe in God. but the loophole for me would always be.. if i died on accident.. it wouldn’t be suicide.. like.. if i .. pushed one kid out of the way of a car and got killed or something. doing stupid stuff, and.. saying.. since i’m in God’s hands.. it’s up to him if i live.. i mean.. if it truly isn’t my time to, i’d be protected, correct?…

finish putting up with all the bull that’s in this world. i’m tired of .. just.. everything… you know, we gave girls a rib, and they give us nothing but stress. i’ve been giving so many ultimatums the past couple months.. that is just.. has my head spinning. i don’t understand how God can make something so delicate, sweet, fragile, and beautiful. so deadly, poisonous, strong and scary. i mean.. how can one x instead of a y, make so much difference? it just befuddles me…. “woman.. you can’t live with them, you can’t shoot them” true lies

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what a difference one day makes.. it’s amazing some times how.. one person can make themselves be able to be on your mind by doing absolutely nothing at all.. little things like.. seeing a yellow light.. or.. pulling the ends of a straw wrapper.. make you wonder.. do they think the same thing when they come across the same thing.. anyways.. yah.. i’m not sure exactly what i’m babbling about…

just saw 007 … funny how they portray north koreans.. but overall it was a good movie.. the american spy seemed to have a bigger part in this bond movie. more than usual.. i still question some parts but.. yah.. one of the better bonds.

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