well.. these posts have been getting less frequent and far between… it’s not that i don’t have anything to say… if anything, i’ve been thinking way too much lately.. generally that’s not a good thing… i’ve been questioning my immortality. i’m slowly realizing i’m not going to live forever… and that… is a scary thing… my knee keeps locking up after i run.. lately, i’ve been popping advil and aspirin like it’s candy… advil.. kinda tastes like an m&m…; shape like one too…

i visited my grandfather at a convalescent home the other day… he was diagnosed with alziemers a couple years back… if i remember correctly.. it started sometime while i was in early highschool… well.. he’s at the late stages of it now.. my parents had.. almost begged me to visit him.. you see… i’m the first son of the first son… my grandfather was the first son of the son… etc… it goes back to the first myung. 17 generations i believe… and to koreans.. and to .. most other asian cultures.. that is a big deal.. in a sense.. it’s my duty for the name to continue…

i got the the home and walked to his room and his bed was empty.. the nurse… there asked me if i was looking for.. chung myung.. and i said and she pointed to the distance… and there i saw him sitting in a wheel chair.. i actually walked right past him coming in.. looking at him.. i didn’t recognize him at all. he’s just a feeble shell of what used to be a proud man… i hadn’t seen him since my sister’s wedding.. but it’s only been a year.. and even then he was up and alive…

i remember when he used to bring candy from his store every friday night and give it to all his grandchildren… he used to give me those plastic airplanes. the one’s that replicate old war planes and have plastic red propellors.. i think they’re only a dollar.. even now.. when.. i see them.. i feel like a little kid again.. and i feel happy… my grandfather used to take my sister, me and my cousins to knott’s berry farm.. all the time.. he’d ride all the rides with us until his heart hurt.. then.. he’d just wait on the side lines for us… once he drove us from georgia to new york and back in 3 days.

i wonder.. is it still in his head somewhere?.. does he remember the memories…

the first thing he said to me.. the only thing i understood… my command of the korean language is minimal… was…

“i’m not sure who you are”..

he’d mumble a few other things.. but i didn’t understand… all i could do was hold his hand.. he didn’t know who i was.. but he knew that i loved him… and that’s all it came down to…

it made me question..

who would visit me?

who loves me enough to care?

would i just become someone’s burden?

will i live forever?

i’ve been feeling.. lonely lately.. and .. normally.. i take it as God’s way of saying i need to read the bible.. and.. so last night.. before i slept.. i read the bible for the first time since… february?.. i came across 1 Corinthians.. i think it’s probably one of my most favorite books in the bible.. chapter 13 is the love chapter.. and it’s one of my chapters too.. you know.. “love is patient, love is kind..” etc.. all you need is love… i played the guitar after.. and i had jitters while i was playing… i don’t know what that means…

just to let everyone know.. and a lot of people have asked for some reason.. but.. i’m not fine.. and i don’t know how to get out of it…

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