it has… begun… approximately.. 30 minutes ago.. this day has started.. the day that i feared for.. so long.. dreaded for.. ages … sigh.. i was in bliss for.. 7 years.. but it ends today… it’s hard to admit but.. this is my last day.. as a teenager.. sigh.. i’m gonna be turning twenty on sunday.. and it’s not something i’m looking forward to… the years.. just go by so fast now.. i walked into .. La Sierra today.. and.. flashbacks of.. my first day last year.. flooded my head.. and i realized.. o my gosh.. i’m still the same person i was back then. what am i doing.. i need to get my life on track… i need to.. have something proud about.. it’s seriously.. hard.. but.. i realize.. i’ve pretty much wasted my last 2 years.. and i don’t want to be saying this.. in two years again. i’m not a teen anymore.. i can’t be making the same mistakes again.. i’m determined to .. be all i can be.. i don’t want to be.. just.. tim anymore.. i want to break out of my shell and be someone… but.. then.. i see myself again.. sitting on the same chair.. stressing over the same things.. becoming the same person.. once again.. when will this.. ever end.. am i doomed to be.. in college forever. will i always live under my parents roof… no.. i swear.. from this day on.. i will be someone i can be proud of. maybe i’ll be sitting in the same chair.. maybe i’ll still stress over the same things… but i won’t be the same person.. because i know tried to change

“… but there’s something beyond this, i know.. but i hope i can find the words to say.. never again.. no.. no never again…” this song again.. i just wrote about it.. 2 blogger posts ago.. but..before.. i just.. wrote it in .. cause i was listening to it.. but now.. it just.. understand what it means.. sometimes.. you run into people that can.. just.. reach into your body and grab at the very thing that keeps you going. your heart. and they can.. make it skip a beat.. or they can keep it from beating entirely. they can hold it and keep it warm.. or they can .. be cold and tear it apart. and it hurts.. unbelievably.. it hurts… without them knowing, they can do whatever they want with it. when they’re happy, you smile. when they’re sad, you cry. i gotta realize what i’m doing.. i gotta find out.. what’s wrong with me. i’m walking on very thin ice. there’s this analogy i told someone earlier today.. it was something like… i’m going toward a black hole.. as much as i want to pull away.. i’m gonna keep getting closer to it.. until.. it just ends up crushing me. i’m getting ready for .. a big.. let down. i’m getting closer to being crushed.. and i can already feel it.. i’m hurt. and it’ll only get worse… sigh.. what the hell am i doing? … is it time for me to.. truly listen to this song? “you’re a god, and I am not, and i just thought that you would know. you’re a god, and i’m not… and i just thought i’d let you go.”

aspirin…. why isn’t the aspirin working?… my back.. is.. feeling.. like.. it should be inverted right now… i should sleep.. but i’m fighting it off right now. not well though.. seems to me.. i have only.. a can a butane and a match as a weapon against it.. KAYAMM.. is slowly becoming a memory again for me.. i’m trying hard to keep in touch with those dear to me. i haven’t talked to any of my philippino group.. matt and elisa.. in a while.. but.. they’re always in my heart and thoughts. the others.. not in my group.. there’s the few.. that i never hear from.. but i think i’m doing a good job of.. staying in touch with the rest. well the ones that want to keep in touch. my days have been .. without any reason. i have no reason to live.. i sit in my room, watch tv, or play on my computer. occasionally i pick up my guitar and play some tunes i remember from the philippines .. and it just puts me in a mood where i wanna do even less so.. i play my computer or.. watch tv again. my muscles are beginning to atrophy. and i’m starting to lose weight. i need to.. move. i want to play tennis. no one will play with me.. i suck anyways. life has thrown me.. into a.. stupid loop and i need to get out of it.. i seriously.. just wake up and sleep now.. sleep sounds good right about now.. i think i just ran out of butane and matches…