well.. it’s 7 o’clock on sunday and technically i should be at mammoth enjoying the beautiful weather and the beautiful woman. and.. in actuallity.. i am here at mammoth… but the reoccuring thought in my head seems to be a wish that i had just stayed at home and gotten a guitar in christmas…

right now… i’m watching the ravens-steelers game. raven’s are my favorite football team. right now i’m sitting alone in my cabin. everyone else is eating. right now.. i’m wondering where my pants are. i must’ve left them in my car.. or in the other cabin. right now… i’m cold… i can slightly feel the fireplace burning across the room from me… right now … i’m confused. i have too many thoughts running through my head. i’m tired. i’m not sure what i’m doing…

i need some time on my own.. sort what’s going through my head. see.. these are the times when having my guitar would be useful. if i hadn’t come here, i would have a nice guitar to play. if i hadn’t come here… would i have reason to sort what’s going through my head?

maybe it’s just the hollidays.. maybe it’s the cold weather.. but right now.. all i want is someone to let me sleep on their lap. but that’s not gonna happen.

snowboarding was pretty fun today. i think i got carving down pretty well… but now my knees are totally shot. i don’t think it’s from falling on them. it’s like the feeling i get when i run a lot. my wrist is pretty screwed up too. but i think that’s from football yesterday. i had surprisingly a lot of fun playing.

yesterday, pastor nam had a sermon where his point was something i never heard before. the point was… people who look to themselves and see what changes they must do are being selfish… honor goes to those that look to others and try to help them instead. i’m probably telling the point wrong… i’m tired.. what can you expect.

i really have nothing to write about… although i’m writing a lot.. i prefer to keep my deeper thoughts hidden somewhere for now. *shrug… whatever…

well.. i should go back to the other cabin. i wonder if people realize i’m not around. hmm… eh.. i’ll just finish watching this game.

“cause i’m sitting here alone again

tying straws into knots”

the deeper and deeper it gets into the night, the more and more poetic my thoughts seem to try to become. it gets even worse when i close my eyes and try to actually go to sleep. then every simple sentence in my head has to be paired up with another in the same rythmn and rhyme. in the end nothing ends up making sense. and in the chaos of it all is when i finally find comfort and sleep.

i’m pretty gosh darn tired at the moment.. and.. so.. that’s how my thoughts are going right now. i’ve been motivated to write a song to play on my guitar for a while now.. but.. i don’t really know where to start from. or how to finish. or what to write about. or who to write it to. or how to sing. or how to play the guitar. so.. the process has been kind of slow. i’ll give myself a deadline for it.. how about… till the end of… january. 2005…

this has been a long day… very long day. if you know a little about me, you’d know that i’m a very light sleeper. it’s a lot of the reason why i like going home and sleeping rather than sleeping over at someone’s place. last night, the guys decided to sleep over at art’s so we could play basketball in the morning. art has one of the coldest houses … so me, joe and andy crammed onto a queen size bed to sleep. sometime.. around 1… andy on one end was cold so he wanted more blanket, and joe had a heated pad under him so he didn’t want a blanket. so me on the other end of the bed.. ended up with no blanket. very.. cold night.. i think i saw every hour of the night as a red glow on the digital clock in the room…

from when we stopped playing basketball till 10 when i got home.. all i wanted to do was go home. i was zoning out everywhere on saturday. i was zoning out everywhere on sunday… wait.. today is monday.. i was zoning out everywhere monday… i played so much sports this week. oddly.. i didn’t watch any football.

conversations of the weekend

about my new slippers

tim: “chris chong got me the slippers in the philippines”

joe: “but i thought you bought them in the 60’s”

playing an initials game at art’s house

kelly:”I and N”

kelly:”Encino Man”

tim:”dude, encino starts with an E”

kelly:”o it does”

tim:”and Man starts with a M”

about the city lights you can see from art’s house

tim: “man the lights look so pretty”

joe: “it’s because it’s christmas”

i’m not sure if the last one made sense to you unless you’ve gone to arthurs house. i don’t understand the first one at all. i wasn’t even born in the 70’s… i’ve been spending a lot of time with joe. actually i’ve spent every day with him since last last friday. we’re going bowling tomorrow. and we’re thinking about playing risk on wednesday night to thursday. then with mammoth coming and lockin… it’d cover every day till january 1st. don’t ask me why we’re doing this. frankly.. i don’t know.. haha… art’s amazed joe and i haven’t gotten in a fight. what’re we going to fight about?

my bedtime was extended a little bit today.. but i’ve still run out of time .. and i don’t think i’m making sense anymore.. so.. maybe i’ll finish tomorrow

And4 Lee: w00t

And4 Lee: im in your profiel

TIMe ToIM TIM: haha

And4 Lee: and on your website

And4 Lee: …hopefully not for saying something stupid

And4 Lee: …lets read on

TIMe ToIM TIM: haha

And4 Lee: …damn

And4 Lee: it is

And4 Lee: @!*&(*$@&(*#&$(*#

And4 Lee: !&(^#$&^#@(*&($*@!#

And4 Lee: hmm, interesting

TIMe ToIM TIM: what is?

And4 Lee: when you just mash on SHIFT + the numbers

And4 Lee: whats the pattern you get?

TIMe ToIM TIM: &^%$&^@%$&^%$@

And4 Lee: ahh

And4 Lee: interesting

And4 Lee: in chaos…

And4 Lee: theres an underlying order

And4 Lee: very interesting

And4 Lee: im watching the OC

And4 Lee: and…

And4 Lee: i know on TV and in the movies

And4 Lee: ppl kiss under misletoes

And4 Lee: and kiss on new years eve

And4 Lee: but, does that happen in real life?

And4 Lee: with ppl that are NOT youre significant other?

TIMe ToIM TIM: haha

TIMe ToIM TIM: white people kiss other people all the time

TIMe ToIM TIM: don’t they?

TIMe ToIM TIM: bill clinton

And4 Lee: i mean

TIMe ToIM TIM: he was the leader of white people

And4 Lee: not adults

And4 Lee: haha

TIMe ToIM TIM: and he kissed a lot of peple

And4 Lee: whos the leader of us

And4 Lee: well, he did uh….

And4 Lee: lots of things

TIMe ToIM TIM: haha

TIMe ToIM TIM: the leader of the US is george bush

TIMe ToIM TIM: how can you not know that?

TIMe ToIM TIM: hehehehe

And4 Lee: …

And4 Lee: @(^_^)>>@(*_^)

TIMe ToIM TIM: wow.. that’s.. so.. susan

sometimes, you get lucky and you can find the most interesting pictures from the most random of places… someone sent me this picture the other day and i’m not sure why, but it made me feel happy. so decided to share my source of slight happiness with the rest of you.

driving to the bowling alley last night, i told joe that it was going to rain the next day. and lo and behold.. it rained today. how did i know it was going to rain?.. cause i washed my car yesterday and God has a funny sense of humor. the theme for the weekend seems to be God’s sense of humor in my life.

last friday, it took me 2 hours to drive to Knott’s Berry Farm through the middle of rush hour traffic. finally getting to the theme park, after searching endlessly for a parking space and finding one not so far away… it turns out the thing i wanted to buy… the store it was in… well.. there was a power outtage at Knott’s Berry Farm. and.. the one store with the keychain had closed early. what’s the probability…

i went to knotts again the next day and of course there was traffic going… finally getting there.. passing by the store, the perfect parking space was open right for me. the store was open and amazingly the keychain i wanted was half off. what’s the probability…

if you know me.. i don’t believe in coincidence. i don’t believe in chance. things happen for a reason.. and i’m still trying to figure out what the reason for certain things is.. even something as small as the keychain… well.. susan knows the symbolism of it…

i have a new cd in my cd changer… cd #5 – korean drama music. that’s right, i traded my new favorite happy song mix cd for korean drama music… *shrug.. i don’t understand anything they sing about but.. driving alone to dinner on saturday through traffic… i felt such a lonliness listening to the songs… i actually heard one song before.. track 12. kiss – because i’m a girl. i’ve seen the music video of it. it’s.. pretty.. sad… i’ll send it to you if you want.

another good memory song…

spice girls – stop

“stop right now

thank you very much

i need somebody with a human touch”

2 years ago, at kayamm… matt and i came back to civilization for the first time in 3 weeks. for the first time, we saw electricity, running water… an indoor store. we were actually on the top floor of some mall in a cafe. the cafe was playing some fast filipino music when this song came up. it was the first time i heard english speaking music that wasn’t church related in awhile. i remember, the waitress came to us to get our order and she was singing the song very softly. so i stood up and sang the chorus with her.

i find it amazing how.. songs can take me back to so many different times in my life. my deepest feelings i felt when i first heard the song comes to me when i hear the song again. happiness, sadness, anxiety…. i find it amazing, that even after years of not hearing a song, i can sing the chorus to most of them.