i had an odd dream last night.. i only remember bits and pieces of it.. i remember the feeling of being on a trip.. and i remember being inside a house.. the house kinda reminded me of place i stayed at for a couple nights almost 10 years ago in new jersey. i remember there was big screen tv and i was watching tv.. here’s the odd part…

i was holding someone in my dream. don’t ask me who it was.. actually.. if you ask me, i’ll probably tell you.. but anyways.. so there i was sitting on the couch and she was sitting in front of me with her back to me with my arms around her as she watched the tv too. i woke up and i was like… what was that about…

if you know me.. you know.. i’m not a very.. hug-gy person. i don’t give many hugs. i don’t accept many. it ends up feeling very.. awkward for me. i remember this one time.. i met my aunt who lives up north.. and she came to me to hug me.. and i just.. stood there like a … tree.. and she said.. hug me back.. don’t you know how to hug?

shrug .. it’s awkward…

i remember this other time, la central had just come back from their mission trip and jullie came up to me.. and it looked like she was about to hug me.. so i stuck out my hand and we shook hands… she told me then that we had never hugged before..

i’ve noticed i don’t have a problem huggng certain people though. when i saw shani at the retreat i hugged her. i don’t think i have a problem hugging rosemead girls either.. or is it cause they innitiate and i can’t react in time.. hmm..

on monday.. jeannie commented on how i was holding a pillow. sarah said it was sweet or something along those lines.. i don’t get it.. i just thought it was comfortable.. i don’t know..

you know.. hugs are important things.. i don’t know what it is about them that people like so much… maybe it’s the feeling of warmth. or that you’re not alone. it lets people get past your comfort zone. makes you vulnerable. nothing brightens your day better than a perfect hug.. i’m talking about the ones where your bodies completely match…. that perfect person..

sigh.. i’m getting tired and i don’t know how i’m gonna end this.. so i’ll just end it here and go to sleep.. i wonder what i’ll dream about tonight…

well.. i’ve realized i haven’t been writing a whole lot of blogs lately. for some reason, i’ve come to the point where i don’t want my personal life to be so out in the open. i know the feeling will pass, but until then, i’m sure i’ll keep most of my blogs very impersonal.. or just full of song lyrics… it’s not that i have anything to hide. i know i’ve got a lot on my mind.. but if you talk to me for 5 minutes.. i’m sure you’ll know about all of them too… shrug

i ran the la jolla half marathon yesterday.. surprisingly, i’m not as sore as i thought i’d be.. finished it in 2 hours 32 minutes. i think that’s great cause i only ran like.. twice in the two weeks before the race. and.. only ran over 3 miles once before. it was pretty grueling… seemed like it was uphill the whole way.

this is mile 6. before i hit the hill, i was averaging a 9:30 minute mile for 5 miles. but the mountain destroyed me. at the top of the mountain, they were giving cpr to this one black man who at one point was at the front of the race… i wonder what happened to him..

i think i might’ve walked the last 4 miles. everyone that ran the half marathon was pretty much.. white. so.. every once in a while, you’d meet an asian.. and you’d just stick with them for a little bit.. anyways.. the last 4 miles, i noticed this one asian guy starting to follow me… whenever i ran, he’d run. whenever i’d walk he’d stop too.. whenever i’d go ahead, i’d look back to see where he was. the last hill was pretty brutal.. and i strained my quad. and i collapsed the with about 200 yards left to go.at the same time.. the guy strained his calf.. and we were both.. down for a while.. so.. i bent down to stretch out my quad.

i looked at him.. and he looked at me.. i knew the finish was just around the corner.. so i took off for the finish while he was still sitting on the curb. after i finished, i ate some bananas and i looked back.. and he had just finished too.. and i just smiled at me. and he nodded at me. haha…

i finished last out of the 6 people i ran with. i didn’t even think i was going to finish.. so.. yah.. i’m pretty happy that i did.. i’m thinking about running another one in august.. and if i do well.. i’ll do the la marathon.

it was.. kinda weird for me to run through la jolla.. i have so memories running through it. i’m kinda amazed how well i know the area. san diego in general… this is where i played football.. i’ve been to this starbucks. etc.. it’s a nice area.. if they had a decent sports team, i’d think i’d love to live there.. too bad…

ok.. this is getting long.. so.. here’s the lyrics to another switchfoot song. the intro reminds me of an incubus song.

switchfoot – incomplete

He’s washing his face to start his day

He’s lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely

Nothing in the mirror ever shows him what’s within

Now he’s checking out the faces

On the back of the milk

He’s sour under all this pressure

He thinks the missing person looks an awful lot like him

And he starts his engine

But he knows that he’s missing gears

Incomplete

Where will you find yourself?

Incomplete

Where will you find yourself?

Cause you’re the missing person now

Step outside your doubt

And let yourself be found

He’s sick of the race just to save face

He’s tied and tried, he’s sick and tired

Tired of the holes that are making him incomplete

He’ll push the pedal to the floor

Like the day before

He’s trying to be always trying

Try to find an end to justify his means

…………..

o… i found out who gave me the cookies.. it was jina.. like a suspected.. she didn’t even tell me… i was talking to her and she never mentioned it.. so i had asked her.. and she said.. yah.. they were some good cookies.. really good. hmm.. i want some cookies…

a rich old man was looking for a driver for his limo. he had just bought a new house up in the mountains and he was afraid he couldn’t drive up the windy road. three people wanted the job. each of them seem to equally qualified. so the rich man asked..

“who of you is the best driver?”

the first man said…

“when i drive you in the car, i can drive the car one foot away from the edge of the cliff and i won’t fall off.”

the second man said..

“when i’m driving you in the car, i can drive the car only an inch away from the edge of the cliff and i won’t fall off.”

the third man thought about it and said…

“when i’m driving you in the car, i’ll drive as far from the edge of the cliff as i can.”

who do you think got the job?…

…

yah anyways… i realize i haven’t posted in a while.. last weekend was really tiresome.. seemed like.. every second, i was either, driving, playing guitar, eating or sleeping. constantly.. for 45 minutes i got to play football.. but i had to stop.. to play the guitar again… we have praise again this weekend.. yay… that wasn’t a sarcastic yay.. i’m actually kinda excited by it. we had so much practice last weekend..

i still haven’t figured out where the cookies are from… man, they were good though.. sigh.. i kinda wish i didn’t take them to the retreat so i didn’t have to share them.. but yah.. i’m too nice sometimes…

i haven’t ran in a week.. which is bad.. cause the marathon is coming up… i don’t think i’ll finish it… wow.. it’s only..4 days away.. and i’ve never ran more that 6 miles… i think i’m gonna just sprint the first couple hundred meters just to say.. i was once in the lead.. haha.. i think there may be a way to track my progress on the website.

my left bottom wisdom tooth is coming out.. and it’s making me really irritable right now.. and i can’t think of anything more to write..

well.. okay.. i come back home, and i find a bag of cookies next to my window… hmm.. i call my mom and ask her if she left them out yesterday.. she tells me they were on top of my car in the morning and my dad probably moved them to the window… so.. hmm.. uh.. should i eat them?.. i love cookies… i love them a lot… but where are they from?… no note.. just in a banana republic bag… what if they’re poisoned… then again… i used to eat grace’s cookies all the time and they’d make my stomach feel awful…

but i love cookies… what’s a little poison…

ok.. i tried one.. wow.. they’re… yummy.. and i think i have 15 more cookies.. so soft… so sweet. chocolate chip cookie.. mmmm.. i’m going to have another. oooo.. this one is good too… if i die today.. i will be smiling in death… thank you… who ever gave them to me…

i’m gonna have to run again….

love.. how can i say that i love cookies so easily.. i can say… i love grilled cheese with tomato.. i love my jetta… i love chocolate brownie frappuccinos… but.. to tell someone else i love them… whenever i say i love you…. my brain shakes. my body feels like it’s being squeeze.. it feels like i’m losing a part of me… part of my heart or something.. shrug… i guess.. that’s why i don’t say it much.. it leaves me feeling vulnerable.. bonnie once asked me what love was.. hmm.. i asked her… would you take a bullet for him if you could?… she thought about it… and said i don’t know… love is not having to think about it.

it’s not said. it’s not heard. it’s about how every time she enters a room, you forget everyone else is in there. whenever she leaves, you want to go with them. when others look at you looking at her, they can tell it’s different. when she talks, she’s the center. when she smiles, it’s the world. sigh…

do you know i love you….?

cookie? do you know i love you, cookie?

mmmm.. i’m going to have another…

this post is a continuation of a post i made a couple days ago.

click here for the beginning.

my sister and i are 5 years apart. it’s a pretty big gap. i think.. since i was born my sister knew english.. so i picked up english around the same time i picked up korean. and.. i dropped korean really fast cause i didn’t really need it. it’s kinda weird because all my cousins call my sister jean hae noona or jean hae unni.. but that never was the case for me. she’s always been jean.. if i ever called her noona, it’d be cause i wanted something. i think that’s why i freak whenever someone younger than me calls me oppa or hyung.. it’s just weird to me..

we didn’t fight much when we were younger.. actually.. i think we fought quite a bit. the weird thing is whenever we fought, an hour or so later.. we’d be watching tv together like nothing happened. when my parents would yell at us for fighting we’d yell back at them that we weren’t fighting and team up against them.. that’s how it always was. we’d always threaten to tell our parents that we’d tattle on them. but we’d never tell.. she’s always had my back.

i remember this one time, i set up a fort next to her door and we had a marker fight. my sister had a lot of markers and pencils and such.. a nerd is always prepared.. anyways… we were throwing these markings at each other.. when one of the ones she threw struck me in the face. right around my lip. and she stopped throwing the markers. i didn’t know i was wounded so i kept throwing them.. but yah.. afterwards.. i found out.. i had a cut on my face.. a round cut right around my lip the shape of the head of a marker. she had thrown it so hard the head of the marker cut into me.

if you look really closely. i still have a slight scar on my face today.

“did jean give you that cut?” my parents would ask..

“no, i was playing with markers! go away.”

years have past since then. she tells me all the time she finds it weird that i’m old enough to be friends now. i think.. though… we were always friends.