i’ve been pretty swamped with church vbs lately…

i was reading over a couple of my previous posts and.. i don’t know what to say about them… countless people have asked me if i’m alright.. and i seem fine… i’ve actually been told that that one post about my grandfather depressing enough to cry over… shrug.. he’s not your grandfather… i honestly don’t know what’s wrong.. or if anything’s really wrong…

lately i’ve been picking fights with every girl that talks to me. and i’m talking every girl… today i got into qualms with 3 girls in seperate occasions.. i mean.. it’s gone to the point that i almost yelled at jina last saturday… *shrug.. of the.. “top girls” of my life.. i’m currently only talking to jennifer on a regular basis.. but that’s because i always have arguments with her.. and well.. are friendship just blows it over.. i don’t know.. i really don’t know..

a couple weeks back, a group of the guys went over to joey’s house and we were rudely kicked out of his apartment by his neighbor.. she was a hateful.. angry woman.. it made me wonder.. do you think.. she knew when she began to .. act that way?.. i mean.. sometimes.. i see.. older woman walking on the street.. and i think in the back of my head.. at one point, i’m sure this woman was once a cute girl.. but now..

where is my path leading me right now?.. i really don’t know.. sometimes.. i feel like… hmm.. i’m bitter.. bitter about something.. bitter about life.. and the bitterness is just overwhelming me.. and i’m getting tired.. sick and tired.. and i’m growing impatient.. and my fuse is getting popped… i’m exhausted about everything having to be peachy.. i hate all the compromising.. i always have to give too much.. i’m not lonely.. i just want to be alone.. i don’t know what i want..

it’s 2:50 in the morning.. i need to wake up in 4 hours for vbs…

doesn’t it seem like she’s staring right into your soul?.. i used to have a huge thing for katie holmes and well shrug.. dawson’s creek just ended.. though i wonder if anyone actually watched the the show the last couple of years.. apparently she’s going to have a sitcom… we’ll see how that goes…

i just downloaded norah jones – don’t know why..

i’ve been told this is a pretty old song.. but i’d only heard it twice before i downloaded it.. both times, it just stopped me in my tracks… her voice is so.. sexy.. so smooth.. so effortless.. i’ve always thought when i fall for a girl, it’d be for her voice..

i recall a conversation about this .. a long time ago.. they told me.. when someone sings, they leave themselve’s vulnerable.. i mean. we can so easily make fun of those people on american idol, but how many of us would actually do that. .. you reveal a part of your innerself when you sing..

i’ve been downloading a lot of song’s with girls singing lately…

praise was.. weird last weekend…

i saw my grandfather again.. and he recognized me… he knows i’m his grandson when i see him.. my parents tell me his memory seems to be getting a little better… “you’re the first son of the first son” i know… things are getting better…

jooree told me this website reminds her of me.. according to her, it won a webby.. whatever that means.. but the website is pretty cool and pretty random… check it out

well.. these posts have been getting less frequent and far between… it’s not that i don’t have anything to say… if anything, i’ve been thinking way too much lately.. generally that’s not a good thing… i’ve been questioning my immortality. i’m slowly realizing i’m not going to live forever… and that… is a scary thing… my knee keeps locking up after i run.. lately, i’ve been popping advil and aspirin like it’s candy… advil.. kinda tastes like an m&m…; shape like one too…

i visited my grandfather at a convalescent home the other day… he was diagnosed with alziemers a couple years back… if i remember correctly.. it started sometime while i was in early highschool… well.. he’s at the late stages of it now.. my parents had.. almost begged me to visit him.. you see… i’m the first son of the first son… my grandfather was the first son of the son… etc… it goes back to the first myung. 17 generations i believe… and to koreans.. and to .. most other asian cultures.. that is a big deal.. in a sense.. it’s my duty for the name to continue…

i got the the home and walked to his room and his bed was empty.. the nurse… there asked me if i was looking for.. chung myung.. and i said and she pointed to the distance… and there i saw him sitting in a wheel chair.. i actually walked right past him coming in.. looking at him.. i didn’t recognize him at all. he’s just a feeble shell of what used to be a proud man… i hadn’t seen him since my sister’s wedding.. but it’s only been a year.. and even then he was up and alive…

i remember when he used to bring candy from his store every friday night and give it to all his grandchildren… he used to give me those plastic airplanes. the one’s that replicate old war planes and have plastic red propellors.. i think they’re only a dollar.. even now.. when.. i see them.. i feel like a little kid again.. and i feel happy… my grandfather used to take my sister, me and my cousins to knott’s berry farm.. all the time.. he’d ride all the rides with us until his heart hurt.. then.. he’d just wait on the side lines for us… once he drove us from georgia to new york and back in 3 days.

i wonder.. is it still in his head somewhere?.. does he remember the memories…

the first thing he said to me.. the only thing i understood… my command of the korean language is minimal… was…

“i’m not sure who you are”..

he’d mumble a few other things.. but i didn’t understand… all i could do was hold his hand.. he didn’t know who i was.. but he knew that i loved him… and that’s all it came down to…

it made me question..

who would visit me?

who loves me enough to care?

would i just become someone’s burden?

will i live forever?

i’ve been feeling.. lonely lately.. and .. normally.. i take it as God’s way of saying i need to read the bible.. and.. so last night.. before i slept.. i read the bible for the first time since… february?.. i came across 1 Corinthians.. i think it’s probably one of my most favorite books in the bible.. chapter 13 is the love chapter.. and it’s one of my chapters too.. you know.. “love is patient, love is kind..” etc.. all you need is love… i played the guitar after.. and i had jitters while i was playing… i don’t know what that means…

just to let everyone know.. and a lot of people have asked for some reason.. but.. i’m not fine.. and i don’t know how to get out of it…

well.. i got bored.. so i did 3 more personality tests…

2 of the test told me i’m a INFP

here’s the websites they linked me to tell me what it meant

keirsey

typelogic

haleonline

the other one was a enneagram test and it said i’m a 6w7.. i’m not sure exactly what that means.. didn’t provide any extra links… it said…

“You desire loyalty, for people to stand by you. Impetus – deficit and/or excess of loyalty in your life experience. Problem – even among those close, rifts happen and loyalty based on need isn’t entirely genuine. Ethos – I must be obedient and loyal OR on-guard and skeptical to get what I want.”

“You desire love, for everyone to care for you. Impetus – deficit and/or excess of genuine care in your life experience. Problem – it is impossible to get others to always care about you no matter what you do. Ethos – I must be helpful and caring to get what I want.”

“You desire fun, to not be overcome with unhappiness. Impetus – deficit and/or excess of fun in your life experience. Problem – it is impossible to have fun 24/7 and the need for it will force you to run from problems instead of dealing with them. Ethos – I must be energetic and entertaining to get what I want. ”

anyways.. don’t ask why i’ve been doing so many personality tests… i’ve just been.. really.. bored..