dearest susan,

i’m not sure how to start this. we’ll see how it turns out. this is my first letter to you, and probably will be my last. i talk to you almost daily; what more would i have to write about?

this post… this letter… is dedicated to you.

we’ve gone a long way. has it been 5 years since we first started talking? that funny little conversation we had in the middle of summer under a tree in sacramento… i think you’re lying to me when you say you don’t remember it.

either way… i’ve grown to care about you quite a lot. it kind of just snuck up on me. you know, if i could have stopped it, i would’ve. *sigh

you’ve somehow managed to always be there for me. always the first to say happy birthday. always quick to say “omg tim.” or something like that. always willing to have midnight runs. late night jam sessions. play with me when i’m bored. talk to me when i’m sad. support me when i’m weak.

…..

i know you’re going through a lot right now.

it’s funny.. because you know i can totally relate to almost all of it. (except your fear of the beach. what is up with that?)

i’ve been through a lot in my life. changing schools, changing majors. changing minds. bad advice. good advice. parents. heart breaks. la sierra. biology. weight gain. confusion. despair. happiness. exploring the great unknown.

i think.. you know of all of them.

i’ve gone through a lot of struggles in my life. and i’m sure i’m going to go through a lot more. but there’s always been one constant in my life. one struggle that has always been there no matter where i’ve been. one thing that’s always pulled me through.

and that’s God.

whenever i focus on Him… that’s when i have peace. that’s when things come together.

i know this is weird. i never talk to you about God. i rarely talk to anyone about God. but i thought this was important.

i hope.. i pray.. that through struggles. any struggles. that you can remember this little advice i’m giving right now. it’ll make almost everything else trivial.

focus on God.

…..

i love you like “you” love cake… and i’ll pray for you.
hope you’re doing well.
and don’t stop being my friend because of in-n-out.

-timothy

i’ve been meaning to write this for a very long time. it’s something i’ve actually started posting about countless times, but i always found myself stopping after a few paragraphs. i think my biggest problem was trying to make it sound too dramatic and it started to feel two forced. i’m not going to do it that way this time though.

i’m just going to write it as i remember before i forget it.

—-

i can pinpoint three moments in my life where i’ve spoken directly to God. it may sound crazy. even i feel somewhat embarrassed to say it. but it’s these moments define who i am today.

—-

korea
do you exist?

I remember sitting in the stands of a high school soccer field. It was the second to last week of a 2 month mission trip in Korea. I was sitting on one of the concrete seats, completely lost. Not physically, but mentally, spiritually.

I remember we had just arrived in this city. The name of the city has now been lost to me. I had just come from a five week stop in Seoul, Korea. This new city was supposedly the “country” area of Korea, but i really didn’t see that much of a difference.

I didn’t expect to be sitting there.

I didn’t mean sitting in the stands. I didn’t mean sitting in that city. I meant, sitting in Korea. I was supposed to be in Philippines as promised by my pastor.

But I was there. A product of consequence. Instead of roughing it out in the jungle, living without electricity, water, etc… I had pretty much just spent most of the last month in a PC Bang.

While in Seoul, I was assigned to tutor a little girl named Wendy. Every day, I went to her house around 1. At her house, I just talked to her in English for one hour. Then I went back home, or rather back to the PC Bang. Because all the other missionaries had full days of teaching i found myself wandering aimlessly in Korea. I became pretty adept about getting around which is pretty impressive for a guy that speaks little to no Korean.

I found myself going to the same PC Bang.

The worker got to know me right away. My name, My Korean name, is awkward. Having a name that starts with the L sound like Lynn-Won is a rarity to see and almost impossible for a native speaker to say. Whenever I was asked my name, I’d say Tim. Then they’d ask for my Korean name. And I’d always have to repeat it to the befuddled acquaintance.

This is quite beside the point though.

It was at that pc bang, a few days before going to the “country” did i receive an email from my first serious girlfriend. Our relationship was over.

I was sitting there in the soccer field. Rain clouds covered the evening sky. Ida Park sat next to me as I stared into the destroyed grass of the field. It was gloomy. It was cold. I was distraught.

Why am I here? Why would God let this happen?
Where is God?

Ida listened quietly to my rant. Never belittling me with generic side comments. She just sat and absorbed.

I paused and let the loneliness consume me.

“let’s pray.”

I don’t remember who prayed. I don’t remember what was said.

But I remember specifically what happened after.

Above me, a glimmer of light found it’s way through the clouds. This ray seemed to shine directly on me and Ida. I looked up in complete awe. As the amount of light grew, the shine became almost blinding. Then, as if they knew they had done their job, the clouds merged to become one. The light disappeared.

Never again have I doubted the existence of God.

on a side note, years ago, i think i said, “whatever” a lot. it occurred to me today that i seem to have transitioned away from that word.

tell me if there’s anything i should add