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there’s this memory that keeps popping in to my head

i’m five or six. possibly seven. in class, i receive a paper cutout of a medium size spider. on the spider is the nursery rhyme:
“little miss muffet
sat on a tuffet
eating her curds and whey
along came a spider
and sat down beside her.
and frightened Miss Muffet away.”

my sister used to study on a good size brown 3 foot square table in the middle of her 7′ by 7′ room. on the table was an american flag colored with some sort of marker, possibly white-out.

the night i get the cut out paper spider, i crawl into my sister’s room under this brown table. 4 skinny metal legs support it’s weight. then i proceed to say… “little miss muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey. along came a spider…” then i throw the paper spider on top of my sister’s table.

she lets out a ear-piercing scream.

i laugh my head off.

i retrieve my spider.

then.. i start once again.. “little miss muffet, sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey. along came a spider….” again i throw the cut out of a spider onto my sister’s table.

again.. she screams

again i laugh my head off.

i retrieve the spider.

i don’t recall how many times i do this, but every time i do, my sister, on queue, let’s out a scream.

thank you.

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my peak

i was browsing my parents’ downstairs computer when i came across these pictures my sister took after going to the circus. i was utterly shocked.

   

i look so plump.

i’m not sure exactly what’s going on. ever since last winter, i’ve been fighting a losing battle with my weight. when these pictures were taken (about a month ago), i was just about 165. since then, i’ve been faithfully going to the gym (at least 3 times a week), surfing at least weekly and finding other forms of exercise.

i just weighed myself. i’m at 172. granted i just came from “the hat” so i’m sure i’m carrying extra weight but still.. 172. this is the first time over 169. all these weeks of working out have left me not only weighing more but also with an irritating pain in my arm and back.

i suppose i have to step it up a notch. i think my biggest weakness is my love for soda. more specifically with pepsi. it’s just so incredibly tasty… so.. good.. sigh.

i drink pepsi like it’s water.

so, for the next few weeks i will…
– drink more water. two cups in the morning, two cups at night
– drink diet pepsi.
– keep up going to the gym
– surf

any more suggestions are always welcome.

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time for change

while i’m talking about youTube, (yah, i know my last post was over a week ago), here’s another video that i think is awesome. it’s also something a couple of us have talked about at church a few times. now you won’t feel left out.

i think i’ve started but haven’t finished at least five posts in the last couple weeks. i have motivation to start but not the creative juices to keep it flowing. i’ll try to finish them some time. for now, i’ll write random things.

puc campmeeting was a couple weeks ago. lately i’ve been completely perplexed by the lack of a spirituality it seems to have become. people seem to go solely out of obligation or friendship. (meat market). a couple weeks ago, i was told that joey had told joy to go to campmeeting to find a boyfriend. it made me think…

praise night is over; gym night is this weekend. i don’t want to plan anything again.

i get this sharp pain in my tail bone whenever i sit a certain way. i constantly want to crack my back.

found this picture while i was looking for that one picture with my sister on the left. it was taken on my birthday 4 years ago. i can’t believe i was once that skinny. strange realization. even then, i thought i was fat. i’ve never been happy about my weight. (i still wear that shirt sometimes when i have nothing to wear)

i got my first pay check doing something computer related. i’d save the check if i didn’t need the money. i need the money.

new website layout. not sure how i feel about it. trying out some things i learned using css.

went to san onofre last weekend. learned to pick up speed when i surf. makes it much more fun. can’t wait to head out again.

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dead sick

i’ve been sick. incredibly sick.

it started late saturday night with little warning. while taking jennifer home, i told her i felt a slight pain in my ear. that slight pain grew to an intense pain that climax at 4 in the morning.

i used q-tips, bobby pins, sharp objects… jammed them into my ear and scraped futilely to relieve the pain.

by 5, the pain had traveled down my ear to the back of my jaw. by then i had already taken two pills of advil and some codine i had left over from when i broke my arm 2 years earlier.

the pain was not subsiding.

swallowing my own spit was becoming a task. instead, i made frequent trips to the bathroom sink to spit. drinking water was painful. eating something was unheard of.

mid sunday, the fever started. i now was too weak to even venture to the bathroom to spit.

sunday night, my mom fed me dinner that i couldn’t eat.

i talked to my sister monday. she asked me if i was locked up in my room. and i said yes. she wasn’t surprised. “you never ask for help,” she scoffed. it made me think. it’s true. i didn’t tell anyone i was sick except to those that asked. i wonder why i’m like that.

it’s 3:15 tuesday. my schedule says i have class right now. but i got an email a couple hours earlier from my teacher. class canceled. i get a few more hours to rest. maybe someone up there is looking out for me.

i’m sick. still sick. the fever is gone. but it still hurts to swallow. i still spit in the sink.

here’s what i’ve eaten since hometown buffet saturday night.
– 2 advil
– 1 codine
– 4 antibiotic pills
– 12 tylenol
– half a banana
– a can of pepsi
– an apple
– one and half bowls of cereal
– half a veggie dinner roast
– half a bag of ramen

so, though i’m in incredible pain the upside is that my weight is down to 164.4. it’s the first time i’ve been under 165 in a couple months. my sister was quick to point out i’ll gain that weight back once i start eating.

hope i’m ok by tomorrow

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trial run

few changes on the website

added the ability to leave comments – we’ll see how this goes. i’ve had comments before, but the lack of comments made me sad and i got rid of them. when i have comments, no one signs my guestbook either.

recent comments – you can see recent comments on the side bar. hopefully it’ll fill up.

web link – added sarah’s weblink

rss feed – changed my feed from full to short. this way people who use my feed in a reader need to come to the website to see the whole post

label – added website label

that’s it, i think. so comment and i’ll be happy. btw, my sister just did a mass update so make sure to visit her site.

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7×70’s

without missing a beat, sarah has already asked me to post about something. this something is probably a thing that i’ve struggled with the most in my life. this something is forgiveness.

i’m not sure what to write about because this concept is still something i’m working on. so i’ll just write what’s on my mind

where to start…

though my sister and i are more than a few years apart, i’ve always been close to her. of course, this doesn’t mean we didn’t fight growing up. we’d scream at each other, throw markers, scar each other physically. the funny thing about it was within a few hours after the fight, we’d watch tv together as if nothing happened. we’d never say sorry. we’d just never mention what we fought about we just moved on.

that was easy forgiveness

forgiveness is not forgetting (which is what i once believed). ask a beaten wife to forget the actions of her drunken husband. ask an abused child to forget his molester.

forgiveness is not forgetting. it’s moving on.

i guess the hardest time for me to forgive comes in two times and my attitude toward one is probably directly related to the other. those two times come in regards to my mom and to my past relationships.

i was latchkey’s kid. i still am i suppose. while my grade school mates went home to their afternoon snacks and clean houses, my sister and i came home to each other. my mom believes the way to show love to us is to always be financially stable. happiness is directly related to how much money is saved in the bank. it’s a mantra that i fight with every day.

i never knew we were rich… (i’d feel guilty for every penny i asked for) till the day i went to la sierra, and my mom paid for my full tuition without batting an eye.

when i was in eighth grade, my sister graduated high school and went to puc. after school, i’d ride my bike home to an empty house. i specifically remember my aunt once remarking to me that it must be nice to come home and have no supervision. at the time, i suppose it was. but what i didn’t know then that i know now is that it started building this bitterness toward my mom that still exists today.

i love my dad

i eat pizza with him every friday. try to at least. the chinese worker at pizza hut knows him well enough to exchange pizza for money without saying a word. looking back, i realize my dad would call me up at least once a week to eat dinner. my dad works just as much as my mom.

after 8th grade, i didn’t know what a home-cooked meal was. i eat out constantly. and people ask me how i do it. what else is there to eat?

i have a hard time forgiving my mom. forgiving her for anything is near impossible because she has this ability to make me feel like it’s my fault anyway. without fail, my mom has a nose to know when i have an important paper due or a final project. and with precision, she snipes any self-esteem i have left.

i’m a failure

i think this is where past failed relationships are related. forgiveness isn’t forgetting; it’s saying it doesn’t matter.

why is it hard for me to forgive people in the past? because:
1. maybe i’m the one at fault
2. the forgiveness is required in friendships that don’t exist anymore.
i think harboring resentment/bitterness toward someone is sometimes the last emotion that i can hold to that person. and letting go of that means i’m letting go of what i have left of that person.

hate is not the opposite of love, it’s indifference. what is the opposite of hate then?

i think, a lot of times, i don’t/can’t forgive my mom because i (don’t want to)/can’t say it doesn’t matter anymore. my childhood mattered. my relationship with you mattered. i still do care. i need something to hold on to.

i’m sure there are great flaws in my belief. i used to never say i was sorry till a past relationship. now i feel i can say it without much thought.

forgiveness is a difficult difficult thing; something i need to work on; struggle with; can’t get over.

i’m going to be late to church

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carputer project 1

after many many months of planning and dreaming i finally took the first major steps to making my car computer. i figure i’d document it .. though i have no camera except the one on my phone so i won’t be really taking any pictures

sunday night – i picked up my old computer from jay wang’s future sister-in-law’s house. i left my computer at his house for almost a year now and didn’t have a chance to ge tit back until now. it’s an AMD xp-m 2600+. though i encountered my first minor (possibly major setback). the chip doesn’t draw 45 watts like i first thought but 72 watts. i’m not sure if this’ll force me to buy a new one, but hopefully it won’t. we’ll see.

to power the system, i bought a m2-atx power supply. That was about 80 bucks on ebay. speaking of ebay, last week i also bought a touchscreen lcd monitor off of a seller named digitalww. hopefully both will work without problems.

monday – 2 weeks ago i bought a gps receiver (bu-353) off ebay from a seller called usglobalsat. hooked it up and installed iguidance 3.0. it works great. visual is kind of tacky but i’m just happy that it works.

instead of using a frontend, i decided to just use talisman desktop. i love the program. and it’s so easy to use. o.. and to save some time, i decided not to make a separate box but just use my mini-tower. it’s pretty small already.

any questions i have i go to mp3car.com. great forum. though you really need to know how to search to get specific imformation. i’m pretty much done for the night. i just have to wait till wednesday to get the lcd screen. i also have to buy some wiring as well.

here’s the specs so far-
– amd xp-m 2600+
– biostar m7vig 400
– 2 sticks of 256 mb ram
– 1 dvd-rom
– trendnet usb wireless-b
– gps (bu-353)
– 7″ lcd (dww-700h)
– m2-atx

i’m also debating what kind of background to use. i realize i don’t have many pictures on this computer so send me some. i don’t even know what type of picture i want. if i use it, i’ll buy you ice cream

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