“i’m digging deep to have something profound and new to say.. but i’m coming up with blanks at the moment… i dig deeper and i come up with thoughts no one should be thinking about.. ‘i love you’ echoes in the back of my head. what the hells that mean? i had a dream last night, that i told a girl i hadn’t talk to .. in what seems like ages, that .. i loved her.. jibberish.. in the same dream my sister was 4 months pregnant. she’s been married only a month, i kept thinking in my head.. doesn’t make sense. love.. bah.. i don’t love anyways.. i don’t know the meaning of it. i’m incapable of it. i’m mean, stubborn, incapable of love .. which makes me.. lonely.. exhausted.. miserable. i’m too self absorbed to think about someone else.. too stubborn to think i’m wrong. too blind to see what’s passing me.

i’m stressed.. i feel like i’m being pulled in all directions… do you know where you go when you’re pulled in all directions.. no where.. absolutely no where.. and it’s just exhausting me.. i need to get up and move.. but this chair is just too comfortable. i haven’t exercised in.. since last .. friday.. but i’ve lost, 4 pounds? go figure, what does that mean.. i’m starting to be more mature. i’m growing up now.. but i don’t like who i’m turning into. i’ve got plans but i’m not following them…

i’m.. too scared to get close to people because i’m afraid they’ll hurt me

i’m being hurt by people because they’re not getting close to me..

how do you get out of cycle like that?…

”

– may 22, 2002

… seems i’m still that kid that can’t love …

blogger has a new format. i don’t particularly like it.. but it does allow you to see old posts pretty easily.. so.. i decided to write about a post that happened around this time two years ago..

what i found rather interesting about this dream i had is… well.. my sister is 9 months pregnant now.. and.. actually if i count back 5 months from now to when my sister was 4 months pregnant.. i did tell some one that i love them.

anyways.. here’s another post around the same time, just last year

“it’s.. amazing how much can happen in one particular night..you can spend the night playing a fun game of graffiti.. or literati or.. whatever… stress about the next days fantasy baseball results… stress about homework.. or tests or.. having nothing at all to do… you can realize how much some of your friends care about you.. and how little others do… how easy it is to step away.. or how hard it is to let go…

you can spend it .. endlessly calling someone’s voicemail.. or.. enjoying a nice conversation with someone you just met.. or you can spend it telling one of the most closest people to you.. to fuck off.. and see your perfect world suddenly tumble into chaos…

i’ve.. made a lot of mistakes in my lifetime… i make so many more every day…

what’s going to happen tomorrow night..

”

– may 15, 2003

i really didn’t know what to write about..

but this post sums up how i feel so well right now..

right now i’m so furious at God.

i don’t understand what he’s doing

i don’t understand what i’m suppose to be doing.

i don’t understand

“everything… happens.. for a reason”

“not my will but yours be done”

i’m just not ready…