– we’re pretty much settled in here now.. just waiting on renting out the old house.. there’s nothing of mine over there anymore. i still go back to check the mail every couple of days. i don’t really get anything. my mom gave my dog away.. dogs.. dog.. dogs.. truman wasn’t my dog. but i still miss him. truman made me think of how i’d treat my kids some day. he used to run out of the yard into the street and run a couple blocks down.. and i’d have to follow him forever, worrying if he’d get run over. i’d have such thoughts of malice when i’d chase him… fists and mouth clenched i’d catch him. but after i’d grab his collar.. i’d just carry him on my shoulder and walk back to the house.. and just keep repeating.. why truman

– why?

– roomie, of course, is gone too. i knew my mom wouldn’t care for her. when she asked me if i wanted a dog a little under 2 years ago, i specifically told her no. but she got one anyway and of course i was the only one to play with her. after we moved we left the dogs at the old house. my dad would feed them every day… i went back once to play with them. when my mom told me my cousins were taking them, i was more than disappointed.. i was naive to believe we’d build a fence in the backyard for them to play. how could i let myself believe that.

– my cousins were going up north on monday so i decided to play with them one last time before they’d go. truman and roomie were gone before i got there. truman whined like he does when he’s sad the whole car trip. roomie was quiet like she gets when she’s scared. i’ll probably never see either of them again.

– tomorrow i’ll forget.

– i should be sleeping now.. but like every night that preceded this night and probably every night after.. i’m staying up later than i should.. i feel irritated right now.. i ate two too many pizzas at dinner so .. i have this full bloated feeling that’s not going away. i went downstairs to get a drink of water but there were no cups so i decided to do the dishes.

– cool water feels nice on my hands… makes me feel better… my face still feels annoyed.. maybe i should wash it.

– so vivian and ray decided to tell me today that they couldn’t do praise tomorrow. hmm.. what to do.. what to do.. this month marks me being at rosemead a year. people still ask me what “your” church is doing referring to la central. my God.. i’ve been going to rosemead every week for 1 year. how am i supposed to know what la central is doing? come on.. i’ve probably put more into rosemead than anyone that even asks me that.

– i posted this before.. about a year ago.. one of the sweetest things someone said to me at rosemead. – regarding me teaching her to play the guitar… “the faster i learn to play, the sooner you leave. i don’t want that” vivian. that was a year ago.. i didn’t expect it to be true.. one year!

1. has the praise team improved? no
2. has the praise team become self-sufficient? probably not
3. has jr high praise been established? not even close

i’d forgotten the reason i came to rosemead.

– jr high praise is a wreck. practice.. that’s all it takes to learn the guitar. practice. they pick up the guitar only once a week at church and expect a miracle to happen.

– i think i need a miracle. 2 months. jr high praise in two months. i’m not going to wait for them to get guitars anymore. michelle and chris will play the guitars. they have their own. anyone else left behind needs to catch up on their own. it’s just not going to happen at the pace we’re at.

– 2 months is a lifetime..

– i noticed something looking at my room the other day.. that everything.. yes.. everything you see in my room… i did not own a year ago. from my snowboard to my linens, from the dvd’s on my shelf to the shelf itself… guitar.. computer.. every computer accessory.. the tv.. nothing dates from 2003. now.. this made me wonder..

– why?

– why’d i get rid of everything i owned then? what is it from then i don’t want to remember?

– i just got a thought in my head… totally random.. the kayamm motto… well what the kayamm motto was.. adapt, adjust, amen. i swear it was different for fourth batch. for 8th i think it was just adapt adapt adapt… anyways.. it seems whenever people tell the story of the motto and how pastor ahn said it.. it seems they always have the same goofy smile on their face when they talk about it… i’m not sure why.

– anyways.. adapting.. lately i’ve been going through this need… an almost desperation to just live. i’m not sure how to explain it. i keep thinking.. what if this is one of the last times i get to do this with this person? talk to them.. tell them i care. i had a long late night conversation with sarah a couple weekends ago about this. times a fleeting and.. it saddens me to know i can care about her.. or about anyone else as well.. but circumstances cause people to drift apart. and as much as we fight it.. we just end up becoming.. “hey” friends.. you know.. “hey we were once really close but now we don’t really talk so i’m not sure if you remember those times so it’s awkward”

– jooree

– it’s inevitable.. and we adapt. and we move on. and we forget. but is it a good thing.. is it good that we can just.. lose someone and let them fade away? is it really good that the pain eventually goes away? is it ok that it’s so easy to forget the love?

– things change. roomie will no longer be a myung but a kim. the angels will be known as LAA. paul lo duca will retire as someone other than a dodger. i’ll forget. adapt… move on..

– why?

– why am i up?