merry christmas all
i’m still sore from football on sunday. i’m still tired from lack of sleep with the michigan people. i still hate traffic… i’ll write more later
i should be sleeping now.. i just got back from jeannie’s house, and.. yah.. i just spent the last .. 2 hous or so.. playing a game of chess.. at first it started, as a simple game.. but as it progressed, it started getting more intense.. after a while my head started hurting… i shouldn’t be thinking this much this early in the morning.. either way.. i should be sleeping right now.. footballs coming up tomorrow.. actually.. football’s coming up in .. 9 hours… wow.. it’s really late.. i’m so happy it’s a 1 oclock game, not a 9 oclock one.. why it was ever so early in the morning i haven’t the slightest idea… anyways… i’ve been posting a lot lately.. and.. yah.. i’m not sure exactly why.. i mean.. there’s times when a lot’s been on my mind.. but.. for some reason.. i feel like i need to.. let it out..
jina always tells me that i need to have a journal.. it helps relieve stress and all.. maybe.. that’s why i’m writing so much… subconsciously i know i’mg going to explode soon… the signs are there.. i am .. biting a lot of people’s heads off.. i am starting to get louder… maybe..hmm.. how do i stop this… sigh.. yah..
it’s the most weirdest things when you’re.. not able to talk to one of your most closest friends.. sigh.. i saw michelle kim’s little brother today.. well.. big little brother.. man it must’ve been … 7 years since i las saw him.. but he still remember me… so.. weird.. i haven’t talked to michelle in a while.. she usually would’ve called me by now… shrug.. where are you michelle?… hehehe..
i’m getting tired..
ultimatums.. i hate ultimatums.. the people in my bible studies group know that.. whenever my pastor says something like.. “tell the kids they need to pay by this time, or else..” i always question or else what?.. you know that.. thing older people do to little kids… countdown from 10… by 3 they have the kid doing whatever they want.. see.. that thing never worked with me.. i always needed to know.. or what happens after 1?… usually i’d choose the wrong decision too.. we all know about my impulse decision problem… either way.. i’m sick of getting ultimatums… if you knew me… my track record would show.. if you put any friendship on the line for anything, i’d push it aside and pick ‘or else’. so.. why give me the ultimatum? unless well.. shrug
seems like .. every waking hour the last 24 hours, i’ve been arguing with someone.. or.. bickering .. or whatever. i went.. 7 hours bickering with jooree today.. and she was really getting to me.. everything she said.. irritated me.. but .. all she had to do was stand outside my window and ask, what’s wrong… and.. everything was ok again… before long, we were smiling at each other again.. sigh… it’s kinda funny cause, at one point we were walking to a restuarant and she commented that it was chilly, so i angrily asked “want me to get my jacket from my car”..
sigh.. when i care about people.. i still care about them when they’re mad at me.. i still care about them when i’m pissed at them too..
sometimes.. there’s reason to be mad.. reason to be sad. sometimes there’s reason to smile. and reason to frown.. but there comes a time every once in a while…. when there really is no reason..
i fell asleep posting last night.. i don’t quite know where i was going with my last thought.. and.. i didn’t even end up publishing what i said either… so.. whatever.. i don’t really have anything .. important i want to say right now.. so i’ll just post a picture of a car i’m gonna some day own and the lyrics to a song i’ve started to like recently.
first the car.
this beauty is a 1967 Pontiac Firebird. everyone keeps telling me that the jetta doesn’t fit me.. but… so i wonder if they think this would fit me. it cost under 5 grand. if i start saving now… hmm…
here are the song lyrics to john mayer – no such thing. i heard this song a long time ago on mp3.com. but i didn’t notices the lyrics until recently. i think they apply to me really well.. this just the second verse and chorus. i search for lyrics at let’s sing it
so the good boys and girls take the so-called right track
faded white hats grabbing credits and maybe transfers
they read all the books but they can’t find the answers
all of our parents, they’re getting older
I wonder if they’ve wished for anything better
while in their memories, tiny tragedies
they love to tell you “stay inside the lines”
but something’s better on the other side
I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs
I just found out there’s no such thing as the real world
just a lie you’ve got to rise above
hey.. it’s early in the morning right now.. i just finished a game of literati, with 3 other people who also haven’t slept all night.. one pulled an all nighter and just went to take a final… i should be.. sleeping.. if i sleep now, i’d wake up around.. 2 ish.. which isn’t a good thing. anyways.. yah.. it’s almost been a week since the last time i posted.. and a lot’s happened the past couple days to.. make me think a lot… i haven’t slept in the pm’s since who knows. and.. lately.. i haven’t been sleeping anytime before 3. tomorrow night.. i will sleep early… yah.. that’s not going to happen. i’m gonna stay up all night playing video games… it’s been fortold.
that’s what i told my bible studies group at least… which i’m starting to .. really.. find is a good thing for me. church has always been a second thought to me. not that i’d ever leave the church.. it was just.. a routine i’ve gone though. which chuch shall i go to this week.. who shall i hang out with next week.. etc etc.. but.. it seems.. i’m enjoying it a lot more now. it’s been a while since i’ve had to worry about taking someone home .. which is quite refreshing to me. . though.. at the same time.. there’s some dark cloud above me.. like.. i’m being stressed. i don’t quite know for sure what it’s about but.. it just.. is bothering me. anyways.. i’ve been helping out with children’s praise recently.. by playing my guitar.. although i’m not set to play every week.. it seems like i’m being asked to do it every week… i don’t really mind.. give me a definite reason for going to LAC. anyways.. lately.. i’ve been asking God for signs for what to do.. what in store for me.. i was contemplating this on the road. i love la after it rains.. the streets look so alive in color… i’ve always felt that’s when God tells you that he’s here… but he called to me today.. one person, in a big suv. pulled in front of me.. and he had a license plate that said, jeremiah 29:11.. i was told this verse when i went to the philippines and i used to it to help me get through all the things i had problems with.. and…
i don’t know.. i guess.. God wanted me to see it then….
i’m starting to get really tired.. my face feels really dry for some reason… i’ve spent the last two days at joorees house.. i pretty much avoided her all of last week.. not realyl on purpose.. i never really got a call from her, or any contact, other than a couple im’s.. but i knew in the back of my mind she was trying to call me.. i just.. never picked up the phone to call her. but either.. we just.. got back from where we started… and.. everything all peachy keen now….
i went to the banquet last weekend.. and honestly.. i think my.. irregular sleep hours can definitely be accounted to that… for some reason i couldn’t sleep at night.. on friday night.. it was the worst.. things were just flying through my head.. “what am i gonna do tomorrow” “what should i wear” “should i get her a flower” “am i supposed to pick her up”… but yah.. i was so.. flattered she asked me.. that yah.. i stilld ont’ know why she did.. and when i went to pick her up at her place… i was like.. dumbfounded for the first couple minutes.. and i ended up just saying stupid stuff all night.. haha… sigh…
well.. i’ve been working hard on changing my church’s website.. there was something i really didn’t like about it every time i looked at it.. so.. i changed it a lot around and changed the colors on it too.. i’m starting to like it, but when i switched over and looked at this site, i thought, woo.. the la central website is way too bright.. i still like this site more.. i’ve put more time into this one. obviously.. this is… 3 years in the making, and the la central websute.. has 3 months.. yah.. i wonder if anyone would take the site to a new level once i stop doing stuff on it. shrug. you know.. i look at my website these days.. and i look back at my old websites which i still have saved on my computer, and i think to myself.. man.. at one point i thought that looked really great. then at sometime i realized.. there’s something more i can do, and i added it and then.. i thought that looked great. my first website.. had.. a little boy animation and a dog that ran around. it looked .. like a child made it… then i added things. i used netscape composer then. now i use just plain html on notepad. someday i’ll use dreamweaver and my site will look so much better.. i started on prohosting, moved to port5, then to 9cy, now i’m at web1000. maybe someday i’ll have my own domain name…
websites to me replicate my life. on this site you can obviously find how i’m feeling, what i’m thinking about, .. etc. but technically just because i like something now, it doesn’t mean i’m going to still like it tomorrow, next week.. or.. in 3 years.. things change, life changes. a lot of the people i talk about in my first posts of blogger (i started blogger a little more than a year ago) i don’t talk to anymore.. the person i talk to about the ripples in the pond.. we seem to have gotten a dam constructed between us. sigh.. anyways.. things happen. so i change the layout. i change the colors. i change who i am.. and eventually i’ll find something new to add. something exciting. and i’ll like it just as much.
sigh… this is my second attempt on blogger… tonight.. i was stupid and i clicked a link on an aim profile and my blogger window changed… sigh.. anyways.. yah.. i was going to right about something.. nevermind…
i was reading andy’s xanga post today and it hit me… it almost seemed like he was talking directly to me. he talked about decisions and.. not making impulse ones and thinking hard about them.. and not avoiding them. you can’t run forever.. he says.. which is true… sigh.. i’m 21 years old.. and i’m not even close to my senior year of college like i should be.. instead.. i’ve gone to 3 different colleges. i’ve taken one year off at one point. and i haven’t taken a full load twice. and.. i keep thinking.. maybe i should take some more time off.. maybe i should work full time.. this was the impulse decision i got to right before i read andy’s post.
is God trying to tell me something?…
am i saying andy is God?
sigh.. it was an impulse decision that got me to this point in the first place.. all through my senior year of high school.. i had my mind set on going to san diego state. it’s not.. reaching high or anything, but i though it’d be good for me.. but.. the day of turning in the school i’d go to.. my friend asked me to go to long beach and be roommates with him.. so on impulse.. i tore up my san diego acceptance.. and long beach i was going.. that must’ve been the biggest life changing things i’ve done so far.. sigh.. i’m faced with that decision pretty much again.. i can’t go to pcc forever. well i guess i could, but it won’t go anywhere.. either.. way.. where am i going.. for a while.. i had my mind set on going to andrews.. finishing in comp sci and maybe even minoring in theology… but… i’ve been thinking.. michigan is a long way away.. i’ve never once lived further from LA then a regular commute. in the same.. i’ve never lived far from LA Central.. either.. and.. i dread that a lot.. at times i tell myself that if my parents were to ever move.. i’d stay and live here… but yah… change.. i don’t like it.. sigh.. i’ve gotta decide what i’m going to do.. and i gotta stop avoiding it.. sigh.. i’ve got to think about this..
it’s very uncharacteristic of me to post twice in the same week, let alone the same night.. but to my defense, it has been.. 3 hours since i last posted.. and.. technically it was thursday night that i posted.. not friday morning as it is now.. either way.. yah.. why am i up this late at night.. you shouldn’t ask.. though i know that if joe wasn’t online right now, there would be a better chance that i’d be sleeping at the moment.. either way.. i’m up.. and have been up at this hour.. every day this week.. odd.. that i haven’t been all that tired throughout the day though.. maybe it’ll hit me over the weekend. i don’t know.. i just have.. so much running through my head right now.. and i keep putting more into it.. it’s almost.. like.. i’m trying to avoid thinking of one specific thing.. so i’m.. just jumbling it all together.. to make just.. nothing.. it’s almost the weekend.. almost time for church. and there’s someone there i need to talk to… i’m out for now